After brain surgery #16 or so.....

I so wanted to be able to write or type however about each brain surgery and the events that went along with it but with my terrible journal keeping I'm relying solely on memory.
So my last TWO b.s were on New Yrs Eve of 2010 and this surgery was a little different. As I said before I still get nervous everytime I have surgery but this time was different. As I was waiting to be wheeled off to surgery I got the WORST feeling ever and just knew that I shouldn't go through with this surgery. After telling Steve and then him making me talk to my mom I decided to go through with it even though I was scared to death. Both my mom & Steve reassured me that it would be alright and that I was scared EVERY time before surgery and how badly I needed the surgery for many reasons but the biggest reason that I was in excruciating pain and surgery was the only thing that would help.
So they came and wheeled me back and then I went through the same steps: scoot onto this bed, we're going to put this mask on you and you need to take some deep breaths, okay ready......and I'm out. When I wake up this time something is wrong, terribly wrong. I cannot move my right side of my body not even an inch; the panic sets in. So many things are going through my mind, but above all I'm terrified. The nurses lift my right arm and I try to hold it up and it drops, lifeless and I have NO control over it. The say "can you feel this" and I'm thinking, what, feel what?! So we go through trying to move my arm, my leg, fingers, toes ANYTHING and sure enough NOTHING moves. I think 'WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON"?! then I hear the nurse say Dr Gardner is down the hall and she calls for him. I remember NOTHING after that. The next thing I remember is waking up again and Steve telling me that I had to have surgery again. I know he as well as others told me why and what had happened but I can't remember any of it. After surgery I was able to move the right side of my body a little, VERY LITTLE like maybe an inch. I wish I could remember the happenings in the hospital following my surgery but I can't. My mom has reminded me of my wheelchair thing I was in because I couldn't walk and a few other things. Dr Gardner came in and talked to me about the "bruise" that I had on my brain caused from the malposition of the shunt tube which I was ok with. I knew I didn't speak right and I couldn't use the right side of my body but figured it was some sort of anesthesia thing that would soon wear off.
I don't remember much of the hospital to note but the day that I left to go to Orem Rehab & Nursing Dr Gardner talked to me again about the "bruise on my brain" and he called it some other things that I can't remember. I said "Dr Gardner tell me if I'm wrong but it sounds to me like I had a stroke" and he said yes you did but it was caused from a stab to the brain in surgery. Ok so I cannot even explain how that felt to hear. I had a STROKE?! And now I am being transferred to a rehab to learn to live this way!!! Hundreds of miles away from my family and who the hell knows how long I will have to be in this rehab?! I remember thinking right then and there 'my life is O-V-E-R"

Okay I have to stop there for now this is SO hard reliving this traumatic event. But I first want to say how grateful I am to my family and friends that helped me get through this time that I thought I could NEVER live through. Love, Dayna