1st Surgery

Okay so after being home for one day I think...I received a phone call from my doctors office telling me that they could schedule my surgery at Utah Valley Hospital because it's an IHC hospital (I have to add here that I am so grateful it was there because I LOOOOVE that hospital) SO we headed up to Provo for my surgery and I can't remember for sure but I think it was May 23, 2002 my mom could correct me if I'm wrong she remembers the hell a lot more than I do. I went into the "pre-op" room and they got me all ready; in my gown, cap and whatever else that I had to have. I can't remember a whole lot but I do remember being terrified that I was going in and I wasn't going to come out alive. I told my mom, dad & Steve I loved them then I was headed to the "holding room" this is a big dark room filled with people on hospital beds getting ready to be wheeled in for whatever surgery they were having done. I was so so scared and as hard as I tried to be tough I couldn't hold back, I lost it by that I mean I started crying not loud but the tears were flooding. The lady next to me couldn't help but notice that I was crying and asked if I was ok and I had let her know I wasn't sure that I was scared and told her a little about me like my age my new little family and basic things like that. After I gave her my spill she told me she knew how scary it was this was her 2nd time around and I was thinking oh good you do live through this! Then she went on to tell me the hell she went through after the 1st surgery and promised she wasn't ever going to do it again but that her other knee...yes you read it right her KNEE!!!! was so painful and practically worthless...at this point I am staring at her but really not looking at her but straight through her thinking are you serious?! I thought we were all having similar surgeries "we in our hospital beds waiting to be rolled into the O.R." The sweet lady just kept talking and I heard most of what she said but really tuned in when she said it is hard honey and recovery is always a little tough but the worst is almost behind you...now what surgery did you say you were having????? That was the moment that I just blurted it out almost irritated and possibly rudely...brain surgery. The sweet lady gasped and then reassured me that I had every reason to be scared and crying...thanks, thanks a lot.... WTH??!!! Well the surgery went quickly for me at least now for my mom I know it was the longest 4 hours if I'm remembering right of her life. She was sewing an afghan and to look at this afghan now you can see EXACTLY how worried and tense she was I think she pulled the yarn so tight that it looked more like that cross stitching thread than yarn! She said all of a sudden she got this overwhelming feeling...she's gone, she's gone. And I wasn't there but I'm sure she TOTALLY lost it!!!! She said it was a feeling like she hadn't felt before and it was like she "KNEW" I was gone, dead. I'm not sure how long after that feeling that Dr Gardner came and updated them that the surgery went pretty well but that I had been in pretty bad condition, my brain stem had been moved to the side of my head...which is supposed to not happen or you would be dead or at the least brain dead but yes it had moved and for the most part I'm not COMPLETELY brain dead however there are days I think I am LOL. He told them they could see me in a little while I think it was like 30 minutes.
The next thing I remember is my mom yelling at me telling me I HAD TO WAKE UP!!!! It had been 1 or 2 days since my surgery and I had been out and they were trying to wake me and I wasn't waking up. It was kinda like a dream you know when you can hear someone screaming at you from far away but you know they are screaming, that's the only way I can explain it. My mom kept saying Dayna you HAVE to wake up! You have to breathe better you are going to have respitory failure or something like that. Well it took EVERYTHING I had but I opened my eyes to what felt like the brightes sunlight ever and I SOOO didn't want to keep my eyes open so obviously I shut them again and my mom said in her "I'm the freakin boss damn it" voice Dayna open your eyes and start breathing! Take deep breaths now, keep your eyes open, you need to listen and do what I'm saying now do it! She wasn't yelling at me but I knew she meant business and I could tell by the look on her face that she was terrified. So I did what she told me I kept my eyes open as long as I could and took the deepest breaths I could possibly take and it felt like my lungs had completely collapsed and I couldn't get enough air and the air I was getting hurt, it burned my lungs it didn't feel right almost like when your too close to a fire and you inhale smoke. I remember struggling to stay awake but almost felt like something was just sucking the life out of me and I wanted to just close my eyes and sleep it was just so much easier than all of this but I knew from my mom's "I'm the freakin boss damn it" voice that I had to try harder. I was in and out but the longer it went I was awake longer than asleep. Then a terribly mean man came in with some torture device that I had to suck just the right way to get this level thingy to rise. What it was was the respitory therapist with a lung excerciser (with lack of a better or the right name) but it sucked I was sure it was broken because I was FAR from where this man said it needed to be without much effort....I thought what the hell does he know! HAH Then I had some physical therapists come in and tell me that I had to get up and walk and I was like ummm let me think about it NOPE! I hurt laying here why the hell would I want to get up and walk?! Well I didn't have much choice or any choice at all if I remember right. They helped me up slowly and let me tell you the higher my head got the more of a fog I was in, like the world was spinning and the pain was overbearing. It felt like the higher I sat my head was being crushed in a vice it was horrible but I was told that after a little while I would adjust and that I HAD to do it. Well talk about feeling like an oversized 1 year old I had one therapist holding each arm, pretty much holding me up and then they said ok step....what?? now they want me to move my legs as my head is being crushed in a freaking vice and the world is spinning out of control?! Have any of these guys ever been drunk? Well the spins you get from that seemed like nothing compared to this!!! So I began walking...if you can call it that it was like 1 step every 10 minutes and they wanted me to walk all the way up this hall? Well hate to break it to you guys but your not going home tonight I'm NEVER going to make it there in 1 day let alone in minutes!!!! Well it's beyond me how I got there other than one step at a time with a lot of encouragment from both therapists and the nurses commenting and a few claps even **tearing up** wow these people love me enough to encourage me to keep going when what I really wanted to do is die. But I knew that wasn't an option I had 2 kids at home that needed me and even more than that I would NEVER let my mother see me give up and make her watch her daughter die. Her just watching me go through what I was going through was hard enough on her I could see it in her eyes even though she tried not to worry me or let me know she was worried. I was going to do this, not for me, not for my husband, not even my kids because I knew they would be alright they were young enough but I HAD to do it for my mom!!! And damn it I will!!!! And I did do it. Not without a lot of help and love and care from such selfless nurses and other staff but I did do it.
There was one night that I remember being in the worst pain ever and thinking please God please take the pain away or take me out of this body and my nurse came in which was a male nurse and held my hand and rubbed my head until the pain lessened and I was almost asleep and I will NEVER forget him for ever. Thank you Brad!! I don't know his last name but I do know last I knew he was still on the ICU floor at Utah Valley Hospital. He was definately my angel sent to me that night and HE got me through it. Okay I have to stop here because I am crying too much and can't see the screen to type but I hope you enjoy reading this and maybe even get to see the perspective of some of these people out there that have challenges in their life. I did try to add some humor to it too! This is really hard for me to do because reliving it obviously makes me cry as I have noted but I think it helps in some weird way to. BTW I love you MOM!!!!