2nd addition

Okay so I'm going to try to remember everything that I can...So when I got home I patiently waited for Steve to get home from work, well I guess you could call it patient I just sat in the recliner in a complete daze rocking back and forth back and forth. So I heard the truck pull up and Steve came into the house and at the time the first room you walked into in our house was the livingroom and that's where I was sitting..rocking, Steve noticed immediately something was wrong and he knew that I had my appointment that day with the doctor to get my results. He asked me "what's wrong" and I said "I have a brain tumor" just blurted it out just matter of factly and he just blindly stared at me for a few seconds not saying a word then turned around and went back outside to aimlessly wander around the yard. I thought WTF! Really?! Is that all he can do for me? No hug, no honey we can get through this, no are you okay nope just left me there to be scared to death by myself. Then the phone rang and it was my mom she was curious as to what I had found out from the doctor as well and I just like I told Steve told my mother the very same thing and just as emotionless and matter of factly (if that is a word) and she starting screaming and sobbing, OMG! OMG! OMG! That is all she kept saying and then the phone hit the floor. It took a few seconds and she picked the phone up and said I have to go I will be there in a second (histerically) While I waited for my mom to show up still sitting in the chair rocking back and forth, Steve still outside and I cannot remember where my children where for the life of me, I don't know if they were home or what. But it took my mom more than a second to get to my house which was literally seconds from her house, I was having so many different emotions run through me, anger, sadness, scared, abandoned in my time of need, and thankfully in shock. Well my mom showed up maybe 30 minutes later and looked horrible I could tell that she had had a complete breakdown. She told me she was sorry it took her so long but the first thing that came to her mind is "I need my mom" so she went to my grandma's and my grandma worked her magic and got her somewhat together so that she could face me. I'm not sure when Steve came in exactly but I think it was right after my mom got there and somewhere in this devastated time I think it was my mom that suggested we call my Bishop, Kenneth Lamb to come over to the house to help us in anyway he could. I don't know who made the call, I'm assuming Steve did and the Bishop was there in a matter of seconds, he didn't know exactly what was going on but knew there was "something wrong". I know now and I knew then that that was the best thing we could've done because he got us all anchored and then asked me if I wanted a blessing. I don't know exactly when my sister Darcie got there if it was right before the Bishop or immediately after but I do remember we were all there when I got my blessing and the sad thing is I cannot remember if Steve helped with that blessing or not but what I do remember is that he said I would be fine and that I would raise my children, well for those of you that are LDS I know that we "believe" that we can raise our children in the after-life but I KNEW that he meant in this one and was comforted so much and because of my comfort I know it helped my mom to be a little more comforted. I can't remember what happened next that night but I do know that after having a bawlfest of all time and all the emotions I was extremely drained. The next day the doctors office called and told me I had an appointment with my Neurosurgeon in Provo in the next couple of days and this was Dr. Paul Gardner. I remember that my mom and my dad took me to this appointment to see the doctor and to hear exactly what I had. I was VERY upset that Steve didn't go with me, he had told me that he couldn't miss work and I can remember thinking I might find out that I'm dying but you can't miss work?! While on our way to Provo I remember a song that came on the radio that I hadn't heard before and it was Tim McGraw and I have always been a fan of his. I listened to this song, to EVERY word and the name of that song was "Live like you are dying" I couldn't believe it!! If you have never heard that song I encourage you to find it and listen to it, it's is a BEAUTIFUL song! Well we arrived in Provo and found the doctors office, we all went in to the room to hear what the doctor had to say and that was that he wanted me to have surgery ASAP which happened to be the next day at Timpanogos (sp?) Regional Medical Center we then left the doctors office and went and got my lab work done and then went and got our room at the LaQuinta. When we got to the hotel my mom decided that we needed to go to a store and get some things that we would need because when we had left to come up we hadn't planned on staying. So we went to K-Mart and got a few things, my mom got me some comfty jammies for after my surgery I will never forget the pants were bright pink with a HUGE smiley face on the bum, my mom thought they were perfect **tears** So we headed back to the hotel room and the receptionist let me know I had a message that she conveyed "your surgery has been canceled because your insurance will not cover it" it felt like a bomb had hit me...what??!!! Was this true? I mean I wasn't having a nose job or something cosmetic I was having BRAIN surgery..life or death, I COULD NOT believe this! So we went down to our room and I made a call to my doctor to find out what the deal was and he told me that I would have to wait 2 days and then I could have it at Utah Valley because it was and IHC facility and that is what my insurance would cover. So I went down to the desk to see if we could get a refund on our room since we hadn't even spent 15 minutes in it and she let me know that she could not...I was floored, irate, this is the same woman that had just not only told me of my canceled brain surgery but heard it before I even had. So like I said I was pretty much bolistic, I walked into the room of the hotel and went straight into the bathroom and threw EVERY towel on the floor, took the tissue box out and was planning on taking that with me home, walked into the other room and proceeded to tear off all the covers off of both beds and like that wasn't bad enough I threw them ALL over the room. My mom and dad just stared at me I think they were too scared to say anything and I had already ranted and raved about the bitch down the hall that has no heart and so on and so. So after I could demolish the room without doing too much damage like breaking a window my mom took my arm and escorted me out. On our way out to the car the receptionist said "have a good day" and I said pretty loud, not yelling but loud enough she could hear me "F** you" yep never said that in front of my parents before and wasn't to keen of the word at all but at that point there wasn't anything bad enough, rude enough, that could make me feel better that I could say. And no that didn't make me feel better either I just then felt worse for saying such a thing in front of my parents to a total stranger that didn't deserve that so then I had a new thing to worry about for the ride home. On our way we had made a few calls to tell the people that we had informed of my scheduled surgery that it was canceled. I'm not sure of how many people were called but my sister was one of them, she had Bayti and Kye. By the time we got to Kanarraville from Provo Darcie had let us know that throughout the town of Kanarra and others donating money they had $10,000 that I could use so I could get my surgery done. (I cried then as I am now) I couldn't believe it the love, the gratitude, the humility, could I be worth this to these people??? Okay I have to stop here for now because I am sobbing and can't see the screen but I will definately write more soon.

Trying to start as close to day one

Okay trying to start from day one; without journal entries and relying solely on my not so great memory.
I wish I could remember the exact date..if I could get ahold of my mom right now I could. But from memory only like I said here we go.
Driving home from St. George with my sister Darcie at the bottom of the black ridge I told her "something" I am not sure what it was that I said to her but whatever it was I repeated again by the time we reached the top of the Black Ridge..this something was obviously not something that people tend to repeat like many do, if you know what I mean. She said "THAT'S IT!" you are going to the doctor!! I had recently given birth to my youngest son Kye and had passed my headaches, memory loss, high blood pressure, hair loss, depth perception etc. on hormones but Darcie had had it and she was sure that I needed to see the doctor. While working as a hairdresser, having a newborn, a 2 yr old daughter and just being a wife and mother I was putting "my problems" on the back burner. While working one day at the salon my headache was worse than the norm that I had been dealing with, it had me down and when I say that I mean laying down feeling faint and VERY scared so I called an aunt of mine and asked her if I could get an appointment to see a doctor would she come get me and take me because I was in no shape to drive, she agreed. I called a few different doctors offices and one could get me in right then so Yo came and got me and off we were to the doc. The Dr examined me, I had extremely high blood pressure and after a few minutes his diagnoses was "sinus infection" after hearing that I let the doctor know that I knew I wasn't a doctor but just with my EMT skills I KNEW we were not dealing with a sinus infection. But the Dr. informed me that there are many sinus infections that are very painful and cause these symptoms and wanted me to take an anti-biotic. When we left the doctor I had Yo take me back to work with my script in hand which I was not going to fill. So after having a few more days with exteme pain and the other symptoms I saw another doctor, actually a CFNP that I had used as my "preferred provider" he was a little boggled and we decided to have me take blood pressure medication because high blood pressure can cause terrible headaches. So I took this medication for maybe a week when one day I fainted at home due to my blood pressure being too low. I had given up I had seen 2 different doctors a few different times and noone seemed to know what was going on. So I decided to just wait it out and suffer while doing it. My whole family that lives in a small town all knew about what I was suffering with and being a close family they all were trying to help in anyway they could, looking on the internet for causes of the symptoms that I had and other ways. My grandma had asked to me give it one more try, go and see "her" doctor, I didn't want to but because I love my grandma so dearly and I could see it pained and worried her for me to be in pain and suffering the way I was I agreed. I went and saw her doctor. His name was Doctor Bruce Hendrix. He examined me from head to toe then ordered some tests to have me do, go to the eye doctor, get a CT scan and some blood work and I was to reschedule to see him in a couple of days and get my test results. The day I went in I had taken my grandma with me, she was to have a test done then we would both go in and see Dr. Hendrix and see what results the tests would have for me. Well grandma's test was a little longer than planned so I patiently waited for her in the doctors office also waiting for my name to be called to see the doctor. I remember sitting there secretly praying that my grandma would get done in time to hear my results, I had a strong feeling that my results were going to be bad...well I heard my name called and grandma wasn't there to be with me so I decided to put my big girl panties on and just go and hear what had to be said on my own AND deal with it. It wasn't long before Dr. Hendrix entered the room and sat on his stool (you know the ones they always sit on) and he began talking I don't remember what he said before I heard the words "brain tumor" and that hit me pretty hard the doctor continued talking about what needed to be done next and that he was trying to get ahold of a Neurosurgeon which at the time I had NO idea what that meant. I sat quietly and then forced out the words.....I'm scared, Dr. Hendrix then answered with "I'm sorry I wish I could tell you not to be" with what looked to me like a tear in his eye. After what felt like the longest 5 minutes of my life there was a knock on the door, I knew it would be my grandma; well I hoped anyway. It was, she came in and the doctor began to tell her what he had told me and I don't know why, if it was because my grandma was there and I didn't have to be the "strong adult" or whatever but at that moment I lost it and tears were streaming. I didn't know it right then but this would be the start to my 6 year hell in pain and 13 brain surgeries to come..so right now I need to go fix my son lunch and continue "existing" in my everyday life but I will write more later when I have the time. This will not be easy for me for numerous reasons but I feel the need to share my experiences with those of you that are interested.